Scenes From Buzzbands Anonymous
Ramesh Srivistava, frontman of Voxtrot and Group Leader
“Hi. Hello, everybody. I’m Ramesh Srivistava, and I used to be in a buzzband. So, I take it, have most of you here tonight. This could really be ‘The Start of Something,’ if you know what I mean.” [scattered groans; a disgruntled scoff from the frontman of Annuals] “Ha. Yes, well. So I haven’t searched myself on the Hype Machine in over six months.” [light applause; the Annuals guy scoffs again, it seems like he really doesn’t think he needs to be here.]
Emanuel Lundgren, frontman of I’m From Barcelona
“It was bad. The day we got the Best New Music I quit my job and dumped my girlfriend. Said some pretty bad things. Things I regret. I’d be standing in line at Starbucks and thinking ‘don’t these pathetic fucks know who I am? I’m Emanuel Lundgren, frontman of 29-member indie pop band I’m From Barcelona, and in three months time—tops!—I’m gonna be snorting coke at Bono’s house while you motherfuckers wait in this same goddamn—” [chokes up; begins to cry] “—goddamn coffee line day after day.’ So I grab the guy in front of me by the shoulders, start screaming ‘Don’t you know who I am?!’ When he said no I hit him. So did, one by one, all the other twenty-eight members of my band. We ended up spending the night in a cramped co-ed jail cell, where we began work on our second album. (Unfortunately our kazoo player was left instrumentless; Swedish prisons do not allow kazoos, for reasons that remain obscure to me.)”
Anuuals Guy: “Boo-hoo!”
“You wanna come up here, asshole? Huh? You think you’re too good to be here? Remind me, what did Pitchfork give your last album? Was that a 7 point…oh, nevermind—they didn’t even fucking review it.”
Annuals Guy: “That’s it, I’m coming up there and—” [the room turns to look at the back exits, through which the members of The National have entered, armed with water guns]
Matt Berninger: “We started slow and garnered momentum as our music got better! Now we’re one of the most popular rock bands in the world! How’s it feel suckas!” [the Dessner brothers start super soaking Ramesh. This goes on for close to five minutes, during which period everyone remains gravely silent. Ramesh remains motionless, and hums “The Start of Something” to himself. He looks like he might be crying, but it’s hard to tell, because he is very wet. Suddenly Bono bursts in from the back door.]
Bono: “Matt, are you coming or what? Lohan’s getting antsy!”
Phillip Dickey, of Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
“The night our song was in The O.C., I spend my entire life savings on six hundred kegs of Keystone Light. This was only partly ironic. I suppose I thought there would be, as the saying goes, “more where that came from.” Anyway The O.C. check bounced and if anyone wants some only-kind-of-flat-but-totally-still-drinkable-in-fact-possibly-even-more-valuable-who-knows-I’m-not-a-scientist Keystone Light, I mostly just spend my time selling it behind the 7-11. I trust none of you have become cops since the end of your ‘buzz period.’”
Patrick Riley, of Tennis
“Man, this thing has sped the fuck up. Am I right?”
