Explosions in the Sky’s Parent-Teacher Conference
Principal Feldman: “It’s just creepy, is the thing.”
Mrs. Explosions in the Sky: “Well, and what am I supposed to do about that?”
Principal Feldman: “OK, here’s an example of what I’m talking about. The other day he’s sitting on the radiator just openly staring at the girls walking by—except not in a leering or predatory way whatsoever, but more like he’s just reading their faces and picking up pieces of overheard dialogue and struggling—really, truly struggling—to make the petty and not-so-petty dramas and grievances of their day (a missed period, a death in the family) as meaningful to him as it is for them.”
Mrs. Explosions in the Sky: “Right…”
Principal Feldman: “Right, which is all well and good if not a little weird but the thing is we just can’t have students sitting on the radiator, because I don’t know if you know this but certain types of pants—especially of the spandex, form-fitting variety so popular amongst certain of this school’s females, which please note here that I pay attention to these pants for insurance reasons only—some these pants are susceptible to catching fire from electrical heat. So I go over to him and say “excuse me, Explosions in the Sky, but you just can’t sit on the radiator, I’m sorry,” and then he just gives me this stare, like in that very moment he understood the cosmic insignificance of life but at the same time was heartened and emboldened by this realization—and keep in mind he’s not saying anything this whole time, which was a while, and not in that “he stared at me for what felt like minutes” way but literally he stared at me for five straight minutes—and then he makes this whole big gesture of standing up, his face actually somehow intensifying and getting more passionate, which involved a lot of complex eye-and-lower-lip movement that somehow didn’t look silly at all, and I swear I almost keeled over, the whole thing was so beautiful.”
Mrs. Explosions in the Sky: “Sounds like it.”
Principal Feldman: “Right. But I should confess now, Mrs. Explosions in the Sky, that that was all just foreplay. The real reason I called you in here today: your son is clearly a gifted student, but…he doesn’t seem to be evolving very much, from one year to the next. You know?”
