back left litz

April 18, 2011 at 3:04pm
Home

The popular Tumblr writer queued up fifty posts before hanging himself on the first nice day of spring. As his wife worked up the courage to call the police, his followers read an Odd Future think piece that so deftly and intelligently got to the root of the O.F. Problem that Tyler decided to dissolve the band entirely, burning all existent copies of Goblin in the house of a girl who once wronged him. As his children made the proper arrangements at the funeral home they used to drive past on their way to school, their father posted a picture of a cat so goddamn adorable that Eastlake, Ohio’s Dale Swinley, long-time Dog Guy, went out and adopted a litter of kittens. As a woman unknown to the family bawled at the side of the casket, the dead man’s essay about losing his virginity to Disintegration was getting so many notes that the staff of Tumblr collectively decided to widen the length of dashboard posts to accommodate them. A Pavement song posted without commentary was just about to change some teenager’s life while the dead man’s son paced his girlfriend’s apartment, drinking the orange juice-and-whiskey combination he could never quite figure out the name for. The dead man’s inbox was overflowing with e-mails from eager publishers by the time that Mary Oates, his first girlfriend, learned the news via the Mineola High School Alumni Gazette. His last post was about the new Panda Bear album and nobody really cared.