back left litz

November 9, 2011 at 9:00pm
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“Okay yeah so hi, this is going to sound weird—and I know, not a super-promising way to start a conversation but—well first I want to make it clear that this isn’t me asking you out at all. I find you incredibly attractive, and think we’d get along great, based on your Facebook interests and the small snippets of conversation I’ve ‘overheard’ [cue sexy exaggerated wink and air quotes] while say for instance blending in with a nearby tree, or while assuming the guise of an inanimate bronze Viking statue, one within hearing distance of a bench where you and a silly-sounding, boring-type guy often sit and talk and also quick aside, I really only intended to do the ‘pretend to be a statue’ thing once but then I figured that the next time you and that guy—who even through the fog of newly-applied bronze spray paint I could tell has a serious overbite, like not even the kind you can ignore in favor of other redeeming qualities that in his case probably aren’t even there—sat to talk and laugh at that same bench you’d be all ‘was there not, earlier, a subtly vibrating bronze statue right here?” and your male friend, through a mouth of beef jerky and straight-up bullshit, might say “it is not possible that someone was just pretending to be a statue, in order to spy on you?” and I’d be found out, caught, discovered, right there, out of the game and I wasn’t ready for that yet. But I’ve quit that game. So what I’m wondering then is if I were to have asked you out—which keep in mind I will never do—what would you have said?”